Some allergists recommend milk or egg “ladders” to their mildly allergic patients, where small amounts of baked foods containing the allergen are introduced and gradually increased over time, hopefully leading to desensitization. Needless to say, such interventions should be done under the close supervision of a physician and should have full buy-in from the patient.
This installment of our popular You Be the Judge series looks at one such case, where a woman is faced with the decision to stop the treatment despite her parents’ insistence.
This story comes from a reddit post a few weeks ago entitled: “AITA for embarrassing my parents in public over an allergy?” We often refer to the “AITA” subreddit (i.e., group) where this story is posted. AITA is short for “Am I the A-Hole,” providing a medium for people to question their own behavior and ask readers to vote.
Here’s her story:
(19F) have been allergic to dairy since I was a baby. My doctor and parents had a whole schedule for the first half of my life to get me acclimated to dairy. It went from me throwing up every night as a baby to the point where I could eat a pretty unrestricted diet and have no real symptoms other than stomach pain when I was in middle school.
This sounds kind of stupid lol but it took me until a couple of months ago to realise that the stomach pain is actually a symptom and not a thing I just need to deal with. I was on a school trip and asked if I could have the dairy-free meals (because I knew my stomach would feel icky from motion sickness and traveling) and I actually ended up feeling great, so ever since coming back to university I’ve basically gone dairy-free and my digestion has been great. However, because I now have lost all my tolerance for dairy, even very little makes me nearly as sick as when I was a really young child.
I’ve told my parents this and they basically said “Do whatever you want at school but we didn’t spend nearly two decades getting you used to dairy just to cut it out now, that’s a lot of time wasted.” I had to go home recently for a family event that my parents hosted and we had a big family meal with a lot of extended relatives where nearly everything had dairy. I tried scraping sauce and cheese off of stuff but I ingested some anyway clearly because I felt gross and spent a lot of time in the bathroom.
At one point my mother got annoyed at me for leaving the table so much (I was leaving a lot) and said kind of angrily, “Why are you being so rude at this event?” This annoyed me because I didn’t feel I was being rude, I was sick, so I said to her “Why don’t you take my allergy seriously? You’re the reason I’ve been eating stuff that makes me sick for all my life.”
The issue is that I think that was kind of harsh of me. My parents do believe I have an allergy, they just also believe they cured it with the diet plan my doctor had me on. And they’ve told me that they only pursued it because my doctor said it could increase my quality of life to not have an allergy–which, to be fair, when I was on this plan I was able to digest more without getting sick, my stomach just hurt a lot. I feel like I may’ve been unnecessarily rude in how I reacted to my mother, and I’m also worried I drew attention to myself that wasn’t needed (a lot of my relatives were asking if I was okay after dinner, which was kind of them but really not the focus of the event).
Edit: I appreciate everybody telling me I’m lactose intolerant. I am not. I have been to several doctors throughout my life and gotten actual allergy tests. I am allergic to the dairy protein. If the symptoms I’ve shared sound like lactose intolerance, that’s very interesting and good to know, but the one thing I am certain about is the diagnoses I have received.
So now we turn to you, our readers, who have dealt with food allergies from every angle and can provide insight the average reddit user simply doesn’t have.
How would you have handled the situation from the woman’s perspective? How about from the parents’? Have you encountered anything similar in your or your child’s food allergy journey?
Sound off in the comments section below and share your insights.
My main comment is: I feel sorry for all parties involved. I believe milk is the hardest allergy to “cure” via OIT, and I believe the girl when she says she gets a stomach ache. If it were me, I would keep doing OIT given how pervasive milk is and the dangers of anaphylaxis, but I also understand not wanting a stomach ache all the time. She should have tried lactaid before giving up the protection of milk tolerance. Other than that, it’s her life.
I am so sorry they have put you through this all your life. Worse yet, they did it knowingly. I admit I did it to one of my kids but I didn’t know any better. I truly thought allergies were strictly hives and anaphylactic. I have since learned that allergy is so much more.
I have a granddaughter that is allergic to the proteins in milk and a daughter that is highly sensitive to an ingredient in the feed for dairy cows. Since we also have a myriad of other allergies in the family, creative cooking is a thing at my house when we have gatherings.
I hope your parents understand one day. My mother didn’t get it until she nearly had to take me to hospital while visiting her at age 55.
At this point, the young woman is an adult and has the right to choose if she wants to continue consuming dairy or not. While it sounds like her parents were well intentioned, and tried to give her a better quality of life, she is the one who has to deal with the symptoms after eating her allergen. To her, not having stomach pain is a better quality of life. If her parents cannot respect her decision and have dairy free options available, then she may need to take responsibility for buying and making her own food. Hopefully she can communicate her feelings to her parents in a constructive way to get them on board. She could take a more active role in meal planning, food shopping, and cooking to make sure her food is dairy free. If and when she wants to pursue OIT or other treatments, that is up to her.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Have you ever been tested for EoE (eosinophilia esophagitis)? Your description sounds like it could be a case of EoE, and dairy is the most common trigger. It’s typically diagnosed by a Gastroenterologist and is becoming much more common, or as least more commonly diagnosed due to increased awareness of the condition.
I’ve been through this as an adult with my father, step mother (a registered nurse), and siblings. I was told my diet stressed them out during holidays because they “didn’t know how to feed me” even though I supplied ingredient alternatives and lists of foods to avoid (there’s a lot). They refused to help, saying I had to bring my own food. Needless to say, my family and I stayed home to eat the meal I had to cook for myself. That was 15 years ago. It caused such a problem that my family and I have completely pulled away from them, with no contact. I’m anaphylactic to multiple airborne foods, peanuts is just one example. I’m sorry this young woman is dealing with this… no one should have to.
This is a sad example of what goes on in many homes, via a desperate attempt to avoid death by food allergy. Her story should inspire those with big pockets to fund a cure and treatments. This story reignites the debate regarding quality over quantity of life. The parents are in a desperate situation. The child is in a desperate situation. And nobody wins.
First, i am a parent of an adult who is allergic to peanuts and shellfish, and who followed a gluten free diet growing up (but who has decided not to a an adult). So i have empathy for the time, cost and sacrifice to deal with allergies. I don’t blame the parents for pursuing OIT, but now that she understands the connection to her stomach pain, I don’t blame her for completely avoiding milk.
That said, it is wrong for her parents to blame her for choosing this path and it is selfish to make her allergy, and its consequences, all about them. She does not owe them a continued life of pain to make them feel better about the medical treatments they chose during her childhood. They should be glad that she has discovered how to feel her best– when we know better, we do better. And as an adult, she gets to prioritize her goals–minimizing reactions from accidental exposure and broadening her diet, or, experiencing less chronic pain.
Also, its manipulative to blame her for needing to use the restroom throughout dinner when they knew the consequences of serving such a dairy rich meal. It doesn’t take away focus from the celebrant unless you make it a focus. Just tell guests who ask that she’s not feeling great. Better yet, invite her to bring some safe foods to enjoy with you and omit the guilt and shame.
I empathize for both parents and daughter. I believe the sentiment of “we wasted time helping you with your food allergy” from her mother is extreme, though I understand the mother’s frustration. Her parents did the best they could to help her and it worked – they helped set her up and essentially give her the choice to continue to eat dairy or not. Without the treatment, she would not have the opportunity to make that choice! Now, as she is an adult, it’s really up to her whether to continue to eat dairy or not. As a parent, isn’t that what we want for our children? To give them options we perhaps did not have? It can be frustrating to see our children perhaps not partake in an opportunity, but ultimately it’s up to them when they are adults.
I respect what your parents were trying to do for you, but they don’t understand the cost. I didn’t discover my allergies until later in life. I wasted entire decades forcing myself to push on despite the fatigue, nausea, headaches, etc… And after learning about them I tried both complete avoidance and just restriction. The drawback of complete avoidance is that it can make a reaction more severe, but I carry epipens and such. I’d rather suffer an ANA reaction on rare occasion than to go through life always feeling like I’m dragging around a 200 pound weight chained to my intestine. But, more importantly, I’m aware of what chronic inflammation does to the body. That stealthy everyday fog of a chronic reaction may not be as obvious, but it is damaging the body. Chronic inflammation is linked to cancer and other ailments. It does small bits of permanent damage, accumulating each day.
Allergies tend to change most during hormonal shifts like early childhood and puberty. The next big hormonal shifts are pregnancy and menopause. New allergies can also be developed when the immune system is under heavy stress (like mold exposure or something) but the loss of allergies usually sticks to those natural hormonal shifts. I lost some allergies and gained others during puberty. Since you were trying desensitization through childhood and puberty to not avail, I don’t think you’re going to cure that allergy during college.
It’s great that your parents cared enough to try and desensitize you, assuming they did it properly, but it sounds like that method hasn’t actually helped. Personally, I would stop the chronic dairy exposure before your digestive system (and possibly more) is permanently damaged. Also, you may need to work on your microbiome. Every time your immune system attacks the allergen you eat, your gut microbiome gets caught in the crossfire.