You Be the Judge: Mother-in-Law Won’t Take Grandson’s Peanut Allergy Seriously

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We often hear about a common theme: grandparents who do not understand or acknowledge the danger of a grandchild’s food allergy. It can be infuriating, considering the family dynamics of all involved.

This serves as the topic of this installment of our popular You Be the Judge series, where we present a food allergy-related scenario and ask you to weigh in and share your opinions with our readership.

This story comes from a reddit post from some time ago entitled “My [F28] MIL won’t take my kid’s [4] anaphylactic peanut allergy seriously.”

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Here, a 28-year-old mom with a 4-year-old son allergic to peanuts is seeking advice as she grapples with her relationship with her mother-in-law:

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible. Sorry for mobile formatting. I’ve never really seen eye-to-eye with my MIL because she’s very strict and old fashioned, she’s like this with all of her grandchildren: she’ll do things like yell at them for not sitting up straight, elbows on table, etc… I understand that children need discipline, but I prefer a gentler approach with my son. I’ve asked her many times to not do that, but my husband insists I let it go, so I’ve tried to.

Until now. My son was officially diagnosed with a life threatening peanut allergy, and we have an epipen jr for him. She insists that when she was younger people “didn’t have allergies”, and if they did they would get rid of them via exposure and that I’m just babying him. I’ve explained to her that his allergy is very real and potentially deadly.

She has basically scoffed it off and the last time she came to pick him up, she took his epipen/fanny pack from around his waist and threw it on my driveway, saying she’s taken him for ice cream many times and nothing has ever happened, and he doesn’t “need it” with him. I told him she could no longer take him and brought him inside, she left and called my husband, she cried to him saying I accused her of being an unfit grandmother. Which I admittedly did because my child’s safety is my priority and apparently not hers.

Now my husband wants me to apologise to her. He says she would take him to the hospital if he ingested peanuts and that I’m overreacting. I kindly explained to him that epipens save lives because anaphylaxis means your airways are narrowing, your breathing is becoming blocked, etc… and time is OF THE ESSENCE because it happens so quickly.

So, now my stance is.. no epipen = no taking my child anywhere.

She’s even insisting on taking him to a baseball game, which tends to have a LOT of peanuts, everywhere. I asked that she find a peanut free zone which the stadium does offer, but she once again belittled the idea and insisted he would be fine.

I’m getting really tired of her treatment toward my son, and my husband has always been a Mama’s boy who thinks Mama can do no wrong and defends her endlessly. He says he turned out just fine being raised by her and I worry too much.

Would it be awful if I insist she only see him if I’m present? Am I completely unreasonable and overreacting? Is there anything else I can do so that they’ll understand the severity or at the very least take some more precautions?

EDIT/MINI-UPDATE: First of all, woah. I did not expect this to get so much attention. Thank-you to each and every one of you who took time out of your day to reply. In case you missed it: I’VE LEFT FOR NOW, removed my son from the situation, and I’m now currently staying at my brother’s house. At least for a few days until things cool off and I’m able to have a sit down discussion with my husband and his mother. In the mean time, I’ve sent them both links to the reddit threads with anecdotal experiences where anaphylaxis occurred (like the heartbreaking coconut oil one). Unfortunately, this isn’t really a case of not being educated on the subject. My husband has been to the same appointments I have with my son, he just chooses to throw all his knowledge out the window to appease his mother and avoid “defying” her.

Some people have accused me of being a helicopter Mom, or trying to demonize my MIL. And given the circumstance, that’s fine, maybe I’m overreacting or being overbearing but as long as my son is breathing, then I’m okay. I’m not even a SAHM [stay ay home mom], we have an incredible nanny while I work FT, who respects my kid’s allergies and adores him. In the past, I’ve tried my best for my MIL to get quality time with her grandson, although we may not see eye-to-eye, I’ve wanted him to grow up knowing grandma. But I’m not jeopardizing my son’s safety in order to be socially correct.

Lastly, I just want to say my MIL has diabetes and is against modern medicine and sees a naturopath. She won’t take metformin or insulin and thinks everything can be treated herbally. So, I don’t think having a sit down with an actual physician explaining epinephrine and anaphylaxis to her is going to help much. She’s very strong in her beliefs. I did text her asking if she would be open to just hearing a doctor out and she’s yet to reply. My husband has replied saying he doesn’t have “time to read f’ing reddit threads or watch educational videos”, so I told him to find time or he won’t be getting ANY time with my son until he does. If he’s going to be so careless, I’ll end up dealing with this legally.

Thanks again everyone. Words can’t express my gratitude. I will update with a new thread eventually.

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There’s a lot to unpack here, but from our perspective, the first order of business seems to be to straighten out her husband, who does not appreciate the seriousness of their son’s allergy and the deadly potential for anaphylaxis. We encourage her to have him read through our articles tagged “tragedy” for a jolt of reality.

Now, we turn to you, our readers, many of whom have struggled with similar family dynamics, and ask you to be the judge. Has this happened to you? What advice would you give the mom regarding her mother-in-law, husband, and son? Could she have handled this differently? Should she have? What advice would you give future caregivers that find themselves in this situation?

Let us know in the comments section below.

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Dave Bloom
Dave Bloom
Dave Bloom is CEO and "Blogger in Chief" of SnackSafely.com.

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5 COMMENTS

  1. No grandparent has any authority to override a parent, especially when there’s anything medically with a child. I believe it’s up to the parents together to determine rules regarding the mother-in-law. In this case, the husband needs some hard, knock training perhaps by a doctor to understand the severity of his son’s peanut allergy. It seems the mother gets it, and her concerns are put in the right places, good for her !

  2. If your MIL can’t respect your boundaries and not follow your rules, then she shouldn’t spend time with your child. Your child’s life is way more important than your MIL’s feelings. I have a similar situation except that I am the one with multiple food allergies and my SIL can’t understand how even cross contamination with allergens can be dangerous. A couple years ago, SIL baked me a pie for the holidays. I decided not to eat it and not take any chances. It would have been better if she didn’t make me any treat because SIL was put out that I didn’t eat it. I told her to not to make any more treats. SIL is also against modern medicine and relies on organic herbs and supplements to “treat” and prevent health issues. Once, she had a skin infection and instead of going to the doctor, she would soak her finger (her finger was infected) in apple cider vinegar every day for a few weeks. Until your MIL realizes that food allergies are not something to brush off, she doesn’t get time with her grandchild.

  3. I agree with the sentiments above. Your husband’s reaction to this situation is at the very least equally, but IMO, even more troubling.

    My son also manages a life-threatening allergy. He is now a very active teenager. Our experience was similar and resulted in divorce, when I felt my son was old/strong enough to advocate for himself (his older brother was my saving grace as well) when I could not be with them.

    SMH at any “family member” willing to risk life for a damn ice cream cone. Ignorant and dangerous. Keep educating your son and yourself, and hang in there. Advocacy is a life-long requirement, but standing up gets easier as you go.

  4. This makes me so mad!! 🤬

    Back when I was still in diapers but old enough to sit at the table so around 1980, we didn’t have all the info available or epipen. It was a crazy looking metal hypodermic that you withdrew epinephrine from a vial and then injected it. My dad’s family thought my mom was just a overbearing overreacting new mom about my anaphylactic milk allergy (and other allergies). My mom didn’t want me sitting next to my cousin (who is 1 month older than me) while we ate because she had an open cup of milk and accidents happen at that age. They all convinced her it was fine and a little milk spilled wouldn’t hurt anyway. Well, you guesses it the cup got knocked over, all down the front of me and into my diaper. My mom whisked me straight to the tub, stripped me down and scrubbed me off, all while the family is telling her she’s overreacting. I still broken out over my entire body, even where the milk didn’t touch. Unfortunately, that’s what it took for my family to realize it was legit and she wasn’t over reacting. They actually became really good at cooking/baking safe things for me and always making sure some was set aside to be Safe. It’s sad that families can’t just accept the truth, especially with all the available information these days. Keep fghting; your son’s life is worth it!! Love, prayers and strength to you through this difficult time. It’s hard enough work being a mom with a good support system. 🤗🤗🙏

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